On the night you were born
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
-Nancy Tillman-
On the night you were born

Exactly sixteen years ago this Friday was one of the worst snow/ice storms to hit Portland. Or so I’m told. To be honest, I didn’t really notice – nor did I care. You see, sixteen years ago I was bringing a very precious new life into the world. After twenty five hours of intense labor, I finally held in my arms – the person I had been waiting to meet for nine long months – my son, Nikolai Austin.
Weighing 7lbs, 10oz – he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. When the doctor placed him on my chest, it was as if time stood still for us. There was nothing in the world more important than that perfect moment.
As I laid there holding this little miracle, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and with his tiny hand – grabbed my finger. I knew then, my life was forever changed.
. . .
They say there is no bond stronger than that between a Mother and child. It’s true. I never knew that I could love someone so much… unconditionally. I read somewhere that to have a child is to have your heart walk about outside of your body. It’s truly the most amazing, wonderful, and terrifying experience of my life. - And this journey is far from over.
Nick was the happiest baby I’ve ever seen. - He was always laughing or smiling, and every day was filled with playing, eating, and napping. Hey what’s not to be happy about with that? Even though his childhood has been anything but perfect – even traumatic at times – he still beams with a genuine happiness unlike anyone I know.
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It hit me a few weeks ago; I mean really hit me square in the face, when I was telling someone that my son was turning sixteen. ‘Sixteen?’ I thought to myself… ‘How in the hell did that happen? It’s too soon! It can’t be!’ Yeah… I had panicked momentarily at the realization that not only was he about to be old enough to drive, (God help us all!) but I was old enough to have a sixteen year old son!
I keep thinking time has gone by way too fast. When exactly did my baby go from asleep in my arms, to towering over me? It was like I blinked, and he grew up. I feel almost robbed of that time. (If that makes any sense.) I suppose a small part of me would like to go back and do it again. I can tell you this – I would not take one single moment for granted. I would cherish every hug, every ‘I love you Mommy’; I wouldn’t roll my eyes when asked to read another story. I would’ve listened more carefully when they wanted to ramble on and on about their favorite toy or video game, and most importantly, I wouldn’t have wished for them to grow up, hoping that things might be easier. I know I can’t go back and do that – but what I can do, is live in each moment, absorb it, take it all in, and simply try to be the best Mom that I can be.
I only hope they know how much I love them. – That I have shown them how important they are to me. They are my heart… the single most important thing in my life – they are my life.
Having children has made me want to be a better person – to give my kids everything they deserve, to be someone they look up to. I know I’ve made mistakes, what parent hasn’t? But together, as a family, we continue to grow, learn, and love. No matter what.
Copyright © Victoria Lukenovich 2012
. . .
For Nikolai~
Maybe one day you will read this, so I want to wish you here, a very happy birthday. I know turning sixteen is a big deal. In fact, it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my own sweet sixteen. I want you to know – more than anything – how very proud I am of you. You have come so far, and I can see you’re turning into a fine young man, right before my eyes. I know we’ve been through hell and back again – But guess what? We made it! You have shown to yourself and to me, that you have the strength to overcome any obstacle in your path – even if that obstacle is sometimes your own mind.
You continue to amaze me everyday Nicky! And I believe you have taught me just as much as I’ve taught you. Having you was the best thing I ever did. I love you with all my heart!
So here’s to you! Enjoy every second of your birthday, and every other day too.
All my love, on this journey we call life ~ I will always be here for you.
Love, Mom






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