RSS Feed

Memories

Posted on

Hello Walking On Eggshells Readers! Victoria asked me to write an update for her blog, as so much has been happening over the course of the last year that she’s too often left too frazzled to post. 

 

. . . .

 

Victoria and I were in our kitchen drinking our coffees, and one of those catchy old tunes came on the radio.

 

“Raindrops keep falling on my head.

But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red.

Crying’s not for me.

‘Cause, I’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining

Because I’m free

Nothing’s worrying me.”   

 

Her eyes lit up.  She told me about how her Grandmother often sang her this song, whileVictoriawaited for the school bus, when she was just a little girl.  Even on days it wasn’t raining, her grandmother would shake the dew-drops from the leaves of the tree they waited under.  It was a good memory.  And, a fitting song for a woman as courageous and determined as she is. 

 

Childhood is a slippery subject.  Once one begins to dig up memories, it’s hard to stop.  Nikolai, her first born, is sixteen now.  And we spoke at length of her life as a sixteen year old.  Her first experiences living on her own—rather, with roommates.  How they raided her underwear drawer one Christmas, to improvise a fiendish tree-skirt. How she spent a Thanksgiving holiday alone for the first time.  She cooked a Thanksgiving Turkey for herself, but didn’t thaw it correctly.  It was brought to her solitary table gold and scrumptious on the outside, and red and slushy on the inside.  I myself found that story rather sad, butVictoria’s eye held a twinkle.  What a strange thing it is to grow up.  A series of stumbles and scrapes.  Of hopes and dreams, and almosts, not quites, and exactly rights.  Then, somewhere in the tiny cracks, the magic that turned her into the incredible woman she is today.  There’s no knowing when or how, though.  For one moment you wait for a school bus, then you blink, and you see your children off to school on a bus of their own. 

 

It is all the stranger, when we stop and try to understand that this same thing is happening to these kids in our house even now.  One moment Nik was a big headed, lumpy pile of baby on her lap.  Now he walks through the house nearly six feet tall. 

 

I am so proud of Victoria and Nik, for all of the growing they have done together.  And the growing they continue to do. . .

 

. . . .

 

After being a calm, nonviolent kid for nearly a year, Nik stepped down from an ‘intensive’ level of services early in 2012.

 

Tomorrow,Victoria has a third procedure to resolve a cyst on her liver.  It will be slightly more invasive than the surgery she underwent in 2010. We are all hopeful that tomorrow’s surgery will finally resolve the problem, and that she’ll recover swiftly to a pain free state.

 

 

 

Jeffrey Puukka, for Walking On Egg Shells, © 2012.

Every End Is Just A New Beginning

Posted on

This post will be far shorter than I would like – but I will be writing more… and soon.

 

Today has been a day of ‘endings’. Probably the biggest, and most exciting ‘ending’ was Nick’s last therapy session.  Thats right… his very last one.

About a month ago, I learned that his level of outpatient treatment exceeded his need. In other words, since last summer he has done so remarkably well, that he no longer requires Intensive outpatient services.

Honestly, I never thought this day would would come! My son has spent most of his young life in ‘treatment’. To be told that he no longer needs it? Well to say makes me proud of him is an understatement. Now this doesn’t mean he wont need support or other services. We have already completed the paperwork for him to work with another agency – one that works with teens and young adults – helping them become more independent.

I have to say (and I never thought I would) that the people he has worked with for the past four years have been absolutely amazing. They stuck with him - with our family, through the hardest of times. His therapists never gave up, never quit, and went above and beyond to help him. We are going to miss them. I know Nick will too. He told me today that he’s excited because he finally “graduated from therapy”, but he’s unbelievably sad at the thought of not hanging out with his ‘buddy’. Quite a mixed bag of emotions there, wouldn’t you say?

. . .

Onto a different subject now…

Nearly two years ago now, I wrote about a surgery I had to have. At the time, I thought the operation I had on my liver to remove a large mass was successful. That is, until this past July when I started having pain again. I didn’t put it off, and I went right in to see my doctor. Sure enough, the ‘mass’ was back. I cant say I was really surprised. After all, the pain I had been feeling was the same I had experienced before.

The surgeon wanted to remove it, but I felt uneasy because he couldn’t tell me anything about it, why it came back, risks, benefits… nothing. I ended up seeking a second opinion with a liver specialist at OHSU. Even though I had to wait a couple of months to get an appointment, I feel much more comfortable knowing my health - my life, is in the hands of someone who knows what they’re doing, and someone I trust.

To make a long story short for now – I am having it removed in the morning. The procedure is a lot less invasive than my previous surgery. Even though the doctor informed me this is only a ‘temporary fix’ to give me some relief - which is really needed! I will have to go back and have it monitored. When it does come back (and I’m told it will) the next operation will involve removing half of my liver.
But, I will cross that bridge when the time comes. For now, I’m looking forward to getting some much needed relief, and feeling better.

~Hope, Health And Healing~

Copyright © Victoria Lukenovich 2012

Bitter-Sweet Sixteen

Posted on

On the night you were born
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”

-Nancy Tillman-
On the night you were born


 Exactly sixteen years ago this Friday was one of the worst snow/ice storms to hit Portland. Or so I’m told. To be honest, I didn’t really notice – nor did I care.  You see, sixteen years ago I was bringing a very precious new life into the world.  After twenty five hours of intense labor, I finally held in my arms – the person I had been waiting to meet for nine long months – my son, Nikolai Austin.

Weighing 7lbs, 10oz – he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.  When the doctor placed him on my chest, it was as if time stood still for us. There was nothing in the world more important than that perfect moment.

As I laid there holding this little miracle, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and with his tiny hand – grabbed my finger. I knew then, my life was forever changed.

. . .

They say there is no bond stronger than that between a Mother and child.  It’s true.  I never knew that I could love someone so much… unconditionally.  I read somewhere that to have a child is to have your heart walk about outside of your body.  It’s truly the most amazing, wonderful, and terrifying experience of my life.  -  And this journey is far from over.

 Nick was the happiest baby I’ve ever seen.  -  He was always laughing or smiling, and every day was filled with playing, eating, and napping.  Hey what’s not to be happy about with that?  Even though his childhood has been anything but perfect – even traumatic at times – he still beams with a genuine happiness unlike anyone I know.

 . . .

 It hit me a few weeks ago; I mean really hit me square in the face, when I was telling someone that my son was turning sixteen.  ‘Sixteen?’  I thought to myself… ‘How in the hell did that happen?  It’s too soon! It can’t be!’   Yeah… I had panicked momentarily at the realization that not only was he about to be old enough to drive, (God help us all!) but I was old enough to have a sixteen year old son!

 I keep thinking time has gone by way too fast.  When exactly did my baby go from asleep in my arms, to towering over me?  It was like I blinked, and he grew up.  I feel almost robbed of that time.  (If that makes any sense.)  I suppose a small part of me would like to go back and do it again.  I can tell you this – I would not take one single moment for granted.  I would cherish every hug, every ‘I love you Mommy’; I wouldn’t roll my eyes when asked to read another story.  I would’ve listened more carefully when they wanted to ramble on and on about their favorite toy or video game, and most importantly, I wouldn’t have wished for them to grow up, hoping that things might be easier.  I know I can’t go back and do that – but what I can do, is live in each moment, absorb it, take it all in, and simply try to be the best Mom that I can be.

I only hope they know how much I love them.  – That I have shown them how important they are to me.  They are my heart… the single most important thing in my life – they are my life. 

Having children has made me want to be a better person – to give my kids everything they deserve, to be someone they look up to.  I know I’ve made mistakes, what parent hasn’t?  But together, as a family, we continue to grow, learn, and love.  No matter what.

Copyright © Victoria Lukenovich 2012

 . . .

 For Nikolai~

 Maybe one day you will read this, so I want to wish you here, a very happy birthday.  I know turning sixteen is a big deal.  In fact, it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my own sweet sixteen.  I want you to know – more than anything – how very proud I am of you.  You have come so far, and I can see you’re turning into a fine young man, right before my eyes.  I know we’ve been through hell and back again – But guess what? We made it!  You have shown to yourself and to me, that you have the strength to overcome any obstacle in your path – even if that obstacle is sometimes your own mind. 

 You continue to amaze me everyday Nicky!  And I believe you have taught me just as much as I’ve taught you.  Having you was the best thing I ever did.  I love you with all my heart! 

So here’s to you!  Enjoy every second of your birthday, and every other day too.

 All my love, on this journey we call life ~ I will always be here for you.

Love, Mom

 

 

Untitled

Posted on

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.”  ~Richard Wright

. . .

I miss writing. I miss it terribly. I have so much to say…
Soon. I will write again.

The Theory Of Evolution

Posted on

A Brief Note

Once before, after her surgery nearly a year ago, Victoria asked me to write a simple post for the sake of checking in, and keeping in touch.  Because her hands are causing her distress, she asked once again, and I am more than happy to oblige.  Victoria will not be absent forever.  She is hoping that steroid injections and acupuncture will ease the pain in her hands, and will undoubtedly begin posting as soon as possible.  In the interim, however, it is an honor to post to Walking On Eggshells as a guest.

. . . . .

 

 “Success is never final, failure is never fatal, it is courage that counts.” 

{Winston Churchill}

The weather here has been so mild it’s difficult to believe that this week is the end of the school year for many, and the official start of Summer is just next week.  As Victoria and I gaze at the annual challenge of ‘Summer Vacation’ glaring back at us, it occurs to me, a number of things have changed in recent weeks.

Victoria has received a promotion at work. That in itself is a well deserved change for good.  At the same time, it opens the gates to smaller transitions in our family.  Three days a week, when Nick comes home from school, he sees me instead of Victoria.  So far, he has adjusted extremely well.  He likes to clean his room in the afternoon, before his Mum gets home, so he can surprise her.  He also has taken to showcasing and proving his trustworthy abilities.  He takes short walks to McDonald’s, killing some time independently with a soda or snack.  Once upon a time, these independent outings lasted no longer than five or 10 minutes.  Last week however, he kept his own company for as long as 30 minutes one day, and an hour another.

Undoubtedly, somewhere in his own mind, there are dots that have begun to connect.  These and other subtleties indicate that he is now trying to actively be his own man. Trustworthy, and capable of making us proud. A desire which he struggled to clearly express with words not so long ago.

However, with the successes, there are also struggles.  The struggles are nothing new.  Most of the time they seem to rise from a sort of ‘wordy gridlock’, where he cannot find a way to verbally express what he is feeling, and we—the adults who are supposed to be wiser, not merely older—cannot find words to explain why the answer to a request is “no”, or why he is facing a consequence as the result of inappropriate actions.

As always—in these moments—who knows what might happen.

While neither Victoria nor I were thrilled to stop the decrease of his medication, his frustrated moments have not been as violent as they recently were, a month or so ago.  Nor do I see a complete lack of personality. . .

Yesterday, for instance, Nick and I took a two or three mile walk.  We came to a stretch which used to terrify him: the overpass above the freeway. . .  It made him dizzy.  So dizzy that once upon a time, he could only make it across by fiercely clutching onto Victoria, and—more or less—being dragged.  Gradually, he would let go.  But then he could only negotiate that overpass by running across; getting beyond it as quickly as possible.  Yesterday he walked with ease.  He even paused in the middle of the bridge admiring the whirring traffic below, as he spit down at the cars passing beneath us.

It is rude to spit.  Very rude to spit at cars!  But Nick accomplished something there.  Despite his medication, and despite his fears, he stood in a place that once scared him and conquered it!  His personality came shining through in those drops of spit; not the personality of a medicated boy, or a Schizophrenic boy.  Just an amused, and very boyish boy.

 

Some changes are big, and some are small.  We take each day one at a time, prepared for the worst, while we hope for the best, testing the theory of evolution.

©  Jeffrey Puukka, 2011 for Walking On Eggshells

Head Full Of Doubt

Posted on

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out.
-The Avett Brothers

Good Sunday morning!

I regret that I have not been writing as much or as often as I would like to. I have been fighting with a ‘ripped tendon’ in my right hand for some time now, which obviously makes typing, writing, or any other task that requires the use of my hands extremely difficult, not to mention painful.

So today I thought I would share a song.  Every time I hear it, it reminds me of my son. The struggles he’s gone through – the struggles we have all gone through – and the challenges yet to come. It also reminds me of Nick’s mind – as the song says, is like a bird in a cage, waiting and wanting to be free…

 

Copyright © Victoria Lukenovich, 2011

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it 

 

Revelations

Posted on

Monsters Are Real. They Live Inside Us, And Sometimes, They Win.


To say the past week has been rough is perhaps the understatement of the century. After Nick’s ‘arrest’ and trip to the hospital last Wednesday, we have all been slightly ‘on edge’ waiting… For what, – I don’t know. Thankfully, he managed to pull it together a bit and has ‘seemed’ more or less okay. Bedtime has been going a little easier, and instead of having the nightly bedtime battle of flying hot wheels & other toys, he has been falling asleep.

Until tonight…

This afternoon I received a call from the school counselor saying that Nick had been ‘off’ all day. He wasn’t in trouble, and he hadn’t done anything wrong, but she was extremely concerned because, as she put it, “he does not seem to be emotionally/mentally stable”. Now if anyone else had said that to me, I wouldn’t think anything of it – after all, Nick does appear to be unstable to people who do not know him. However, this came from a woman who sees him nearly everyday, and knows him – his moods, behavior, etc…

His Skills trainer/therapist brought him home from school and said he was fine. A few minutes after he left he called with some shocking information. He explained he didn’t want to discuss it in front of Nick because it would probably upset him… Apparently while they were out Nick was going on and on (very calmly – almost as if he were talking to himself) about thoughts he’s been having. The thoughts? Well, there’s no easy way to put it, except like this: He wants to kill me. He admitted to his therapist that he has these thoughts quite a bit – “like once a week”. And also said: “I don’t usually do anything, except for last week. I tried to kill mom then…I tried to break her neck.”

I’m speechless. I want to scream! I want to cry. Hell, I want do SOMETHING! I will admit – and only here on this blog, that yes, I am a little scared. I can NEVER let Nick know that though.
I spoke with his therapist for a while on the phone and then made a call to his doctor. When I explained what I had found out, he seemed genuinely concerned. He said that he understands my reasons for trying to avoid hospitalization, but that this is serious – that it sounds like a psychotic breakdown. Also, if Nick is going to be in the home that some serious ‘safety planning’ needs to be implemented – like limiting or eliminating my time alone with him… He also said that right now, these are only thoughts he’s having… scary thoughts, but homicidal and violent thoughts nonetheless. However, he believes if Nick continues on like last week when the police came, that it could be a different story altogether. I agree.

 

… And, I caved.

While I was on the phone with his doctor, the subject of his meds was brought up. He thinks that right now decreasing his Clozapine is a bad idea… That maybe going back up on the bedtime dose, just by 25mg. will help. I told him that I still want to take him off his meds, but that if we have to do it slower, I’d be okay with that. In the end, I ended up agreeing to increase his medication. I don’t know why – but I feel like I failed. I wanted so badly for him to be off that damned drug! But I also have to think about everyone’s safety… That, I suppose comes first.

Bedtime was not easy tonight either. Thankfully it didn’t escalate to the point of having to call 911 again.
While he was lying down, screeching and carrying on and making inaudible noises – he lowered his voice, and in a very maniacal tone said: “Everyone’s gonna die”. He let out a quiet, but creepy laugh, and then went on to sing it over and over again… It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! After an hour of carrying on like this, he finally fell asleep.

. . .

Now, as I sit here listening to him snore, the realization of it all hits me a little harder. I keep wondering, how long can I keep him out of the hospital? How long is it going to take for him to ‘bounce back’? IS he going to ‘bounce back’? Does he really want to hurt me, and if so, why? These are only a few of the thousands of thoughts racing through my mind. I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. I am at a complete loss…
All I can do, as I said before, is to take it as it comes – day to day… And that’s what I’m going to keep on doing.

~Goodnight~

Copyright © Victoria Lukenovich, 2011

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 28 other followers